I does not matter who you are, we have all experienced the feeling of guilt. It could be a very small feeling that subsides within a few days, or it could be something that haunts you for life. In this blog I am going to share a very personal story of how guilt has haunted me for years. I can remember the day like it was yesterday.
July 16, 2015 started out as a normal day. It was the summer that I graduated high school, a week before my graduation party. I was ready to have a good summer, and overly excited to start college. We had just just finished stacking up the bonfire, probably way higher than it should have been, and my boyfriend, Dillon, and his friend were on their way over to come brush hog my meadow. If you do not know what a brush hog is, it is a 
piece of farm equipment that has giant blades and is used to mow really high grass. Everything was going smoothly, they were about three quarters of the way done when Dillon came up to the house to check on what else needed to be done. I looked down in my meadow, where they were cutting the grass, and noticed that there was a wooden table in the way and that it needed to be thrown onto the bonfire. I was going to help him move it, but as always Dillon insisted he moved it by himself. After he moved the table, he went to step on the tractor, that his friend was driving, and when he stepped his foot slipped. He fell and got ran over by the brush hog. He screamed louder than I have ever heard anyone scream, and it was at that exact moment that I had felt the largest amount of guilt that any one human being is capable of feeling. My dad ran down there as fast as he could, and immediately took of his belt and used them as tourniquets to try and slow the bleeding down. Everyone kept me away from the scene, but the only thought I had at the time was “how could I let this happen?”. Both of Dillon’s legs had to be amputated, but I thank God every single day that he is alive.
Now a lot of people think that it was all a freak accident, and it was, but that does not make anything any easier. My form of guilt was not the same as committing a crime, but more like how I ruined someones life in half of a second. The only thought I had that day, and what I found out would haunt me for years to come, was that I completely ruined his life. He was 20 years old with such a bright future, and I took it away in a split second. When I saw his mom that night the only words that came out of my mouth were “i’m sorry”. The first thing that I told Dillon was “i’m sorry”. I felt guilty because it was for my graduation party, it was at my house, and most of all I was the one who sent him down there to go move a table. Now no one blames me for any of the events that happened that day, but I blame myself.
The more that I think about the feeling of guilt, the more I question do we bring the guilty feeling upon ourselves? It has now been over three years since the accident. Dillons story was told on the news, and the radio. A sufficient amount of time has passed, and yet every time I tell, or even think of what happened that day, I still get a rush of guilt. Will it ever subside? Who knows. I am still trying to put it behind me, and be thankful that he is alive and well. While exploring the internet, I found this really interesting article about guilt and different types of guilt that can be felt. If you are interested you can find it here.
I apologize if the story was a little gruesome, but I hope that it was able to capture your attention. Please leave comments and questions, they are appreciated!
Gabrielle Boncal's Philosophy 210 Blog 
Gabrielle, thank you for sharing this story. I could tell how upset this event made you feel, and continues to make you feel, by reading it. I’m sure even writing it was hard, because it forced you to re-live those thoughts and feelings that you experienced that day. So, thank you for sharing; That was very brave of you. I’m very sorry about the whole incident.
I know you said you’ve heard everyone tell you that it’s not your fault (and I would agree with them from what I read in your story), but that you still feel guilt due to the situation of the incident happening at your house during your graduation party preparation tasks. I feel like the guilt you described here is a very common feeling that many people in your situation would experience as well; So it is totally normal. I remember listening to a story (I tried to find it, but I couldn’t find the video that I heard) on Ariana Grande after the bombing occurred at her concert. She expressed how much that incident affected her, because the people that died (and that were injured) from the bombing were there to see her in concert. The terrorist/terrorists that did the bombing were clearly the ones responsible for this horrific event. However, Ariana Grande still felt some guilt since it happened at her concert. That was the first guilt story that came to my mind in relation to yours while reading your post, so I wanted to share it with you.
I agree with your statement that everyone has experienced guilt at some point. I feel that as human beings, we all find ourselves feeling guilty quite often. It may not always be with an incident as intense as in your story. It may be about something as little as hanging out with one friend versus another. I feel like the frequency at which people feel guilt is in part due to our ability to think about things from other people’s perspectives. We also find ourselves relating to situations quite easily. In addition, we also find ourselves wanting to blame something to find a cause, and often times are the most critical of ourselves. That may result in us blaming ourselves for situations a lot, which make us feel guilty. All of these factors, I believe, can contribute to our frequent feeling of guilt. I myself have felt guilt many times as well. Again, I’m very sorry to hear about this incident you described. It stinks that it made/makes you feel the way you do, and that it happened at all. Thank you again for sharing.
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Thank you so much for your kind words! I strongly agree when you say that we find ourselves wanting to blame something to find a cause, and how we are the most critical of ourselves. That is so true. I feel like we try to find something or even someone else to blame to make ourselves feel more calm about the situation at hand, and when we cannot find something or someone else to blame we are even harder on our own feelings.
After I posted this, I was scrolling through facebook and I found a article about Ellen and how she felt guilty about when her ex-girlfriend was involved in a car crash and died. After writing this blog all my feelings came back and I felt just as guilty as the day it happened. Reading this article was actually calming to me because i realized i was not the only person in the world who has went through something so big, and feels guilt even though they were not really involved. If you are interested in the article heres the link! https://people.com/tv/ellen-degeneres-opens-up-girlfriend-death-guilt/
Thank you again for your comment!
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Hello Gabrielle,
I’m glad you felt confident enough to share your story with us. It’s not an easy thing to do to share such an intimate experience. I’m sure it was a very difficult thing to do. It takes courage and it shows that even though you still feel guilty you’ve accepted it in a way. I understand that even though everyone tells you not to blame yourself, that it wasn’t your fault it doesn’t make it any easier. No matter what you’ll still feel guilty and its only natural. We as humans for some reason are always the most critical of ourselves and place so much pressure on our shoulders to be perfect and never have a fault. It’s something we have all experienced as you’ve said. I’m very sorry that this is something that you had to experience in your life but just know that even though you still feel guilty, I believe you are very brave for sharing this and you in no way were responsible.
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Thank you so much for the kind words! It really means a lot to me. It took a lot of courage to be able to open up about this but after the reading on guilt, I felt that I had a perfect experience to write about! Thank you so much!
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Gabrielle,
This was very well written. I’m sorry this happened to you and your boyfriend but thank you for sharing your story. I think everyone can relate to this in some way. I had a friend pass away from swimming in a creek which was my idea. This happened about 8 years ago and I still feel some sort of guilt like it was my fault he died. Like you said no one blames you for what happened, no one blames me but I blame myself too. As Dostoevsky believes that guilt is sadomasochistic, I also believe this. We torture and punish ourselves for something we didn’t do. I also think it’s a way for us to cope with something that has happened that is a freak accident that we have no answers to.
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I am so sorry to hear about your friend. Its tough to go through something tragic. Even though years pass there is still so many feelings there. It gets easier with time, but it never goes away. I am very sorry about your friend. Thank you for your comment!
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Hi Gabrielle!
What first brought me to read your blog post was the title. “Guilt” was a theme I was interested in while reading this week’s assignments, and I also went to make my blog post about the theme of guilt, but did not have a personal or specific story to tell.
First off, thank you for sharing your story with all of us, I could imagine it was not the easiest to write about the event all over again, but you are also very brave. To have dealt with an experience like that, and to have overcome it! There will definitely be challenging days, and some days better than others, but you have over came a traumatic experience, and are able to share the story with others in some way. Like you said, we all experience guilt in some shape or from, rather we actually should feel guilty or not. Ultimately, as humans I think we all just have an instinct that may make us feel guilty or “bad” about certain situations that we experience no matter what extent they are. Thank you again for sharing!
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Thank you for your comment! Guilt is defiantly a tough feeling to over come, and it comes in so many different forms and levels.
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When I read the title, this is not the form of guilt that came to my mind. I was thinking about the form of guilt that is felt when crime is committed.I am not going to lie, I might have shed a tear. I can understand that you would feel guilty and I know that if I were in that position that I would feel the exact same way. To other people it may not seem rational that you would think that it was you fault but in your mind you are thinking that this is my fault because it was for me. If I didn’t ask him to do this he would still be fine. There is nothing that anyone can say to you to make you feel better and for that I am so sorry. You are so brave to be able to share this story.
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Thank you so much! It was a tough one to write but it was a theme that I could relate to so well that I knew I had to write about it! Thanks!
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